If you've ever tried to make room for yourself in an addicts head----its an extremely crowded room. People from their past, the marching band bass drums going BOOM, BOOM, BOOM full of shame and guilt, nightmares that carry on to day and this big omnipotent voice telling them---YOU MUST DRINK....it leaves little room for your seemingly now little voice. Occasionally when they sober up you get a few words in but never for long as the addiction is like this upstairs neighbour thats moved in their head and wont get out.
Read MoreWell huh......
I worked so hard to try to make changes this last year with this but sometimes the universe has other plans. I know so many people dont understand why I've stayed, but they dont seem to understand that its not so easy to leave. You need the basics: food, shelter and I cannot put myself at risk for homelessness. Its not so easy to find work either when you've been unemployed and people look at your resume and wonder what's wrong with you. You need a job to get a job and that's an obstacle that I wasnt able to conquer this last year>>
Read MoreRehab
So...My partner checked into a rehab facility about a week ago for alcoholism. I can't believe it actually happened though because I never thought he'd get help and I never thought we'd find a way to pay for it. Rehab aint cheap.....£5k a week more like it. We tried to go through the NHS to get free help but because England has this lovely drinking problem it does the waiting lists are insane or are meant for people who are far less severe than James was.
Read MoreKeeping my head together
As you can see I've been pretty absent recently from the blogging world. Any energy I've had I've put it into Scentsy and to keeping my head together. Its been hard to do that frankly because I feel as if sometimes no matter how hard I try, how much effort I put in....I just can't seem to change things. I see others who try 1/2 as hard as I do (well it seems) and progressing further and quicker. I don't understand why it seems so difficult for myself to earn a bit of money. Getting a job and my name doesn't seem to add up together >>
Read MorePhoto session with Kjrsten Madsen
Photos to mark our 10 year anniversary together living in London UK . Film photography with Kjrsten Madsen >>
Read MoreShows, Shows and more Shows
Last week I did 3 Scentsy shows and my gosh, I never knew something could be so much work in my life. I don't have a car either (you don't need one in London) and so everything you see I've dragged around via a suitcase. I think I'll be losing weight dragging these things round. On Sunday I had pity taken on me by some very kind people who saw that I was trying to drag a massive amount of gear up and down 3 flights of stairs at a train station >>
Read MoreBest and Worst Moments of the London Marathon
Best and Worst Moments from my first Marathon, the London Marathon 2011 >>
Read MoreMarathon survival Kit
They say it takes a village....but on Sunday its going to take all this to get me through 26.2 miles. Dextrose tablets, fruit snacks, deep heat (for before and after), pure beetroot juice shots (nasty but incredibly helpful), soluble pain tablets to put in our water bottles that will also have re hydration salts in them, a granola bar with spirulina in it and a disposable camera (no way in heck I'll take my compact and have it dropped) >>
Read MoreFinding the beauty in running
I've been reading a book by Russell Simmons recently and he talks about how our lives are much richer if we focus on joy of the hard work/the process rather than the end result. I mentioned this to James and he said that he sees this as one of the reasons why I get so unhappy with myself sometimes is that I'm too focused on ...oh things will be better for me when I lose this weight, or when I get a job, or when this happens or when that happens. The fact is...I'm always chasing the future that hasn't come yet and I've got to find the beauty in the present moment >>
Read MoreLetting Go: lessons from running
I mentioned yesterday that on Friday James and I did a 15 mile run. We're at a very critical point in our running. Its over half-way to the 26.2 miles I'll need to get to come April and its where the running magazines say we need to be to do the marathon safely. Apparently you need to be able to do 15 miles comfortably at least a month prior or you shouldn't be doing it. Maybe there's hope for me to finish this thing after all.
I think the 'comfortable' part is going to be the hard part though. Getting up to this mileage, I'm starting to feel every extra pound on my body that shouldn't be there. The 70 lbs I need to lose aren't coming off easily which concerns me slightly. Its hard enough being obese in a skinny world but its like every ounce is holding on for dear life. My body is making me work for this and I'm finding it painful emotionally and physically.
A sense of Purpose
My prayers recently have been asking a lot to send me a sense of purpose. I guess to me purpose means job, a title and a paycheck once a month. I want to get dressed up every morning, ride the tube again with my 'metro' in hand. I want to have my own income, to be able to treat myself to a new top or a facial without having to ask James or worrying about spending too much of 'his' money. When people ask what I do I don't want to fib anymore and tell them a made up title.
I'm embarrassed about my unemployment. I'm embarrassed with what people think of me and the fact when I say the last full-time job I had was 2007 it usually brings judgment like "what's wrong with you, or aren't you applying for positions?" Well, there's nothing wrong with me. I have sent off countless applications. I've just been a bit unlucky.
Trees
Its 2 am and above me I've got screaming parents telling a screaming child to lie down and below me I've got a chap who just started his chanting for his 5x a day prayers. No surprise I can't seem to sleep and decided to just get up. (Ah the joys of living in a flat) I've lit some incense and fittingly the birds have decided to say hello now and add to the party whilst I try to waste some time on the computer.
At nighttime in London all you can hear outside most of the time is birds. I know that they are there during the day cause like I've posted before on this blog during the volcano flight cancellations London was filled with nothing but the sound of birds.
Read MoreThese are the faces
These are the faces I saw these last few days. Most were extended family coming together to celebrate the life of my gran. A couple were people I hadn't seen in years that I spent an afternoon or evening with. One thing is certain is that they all made a very very difficult trip a little bit more bearable. I'm now off again tomorrow to see James' family in the countryside. Fresh air, quiet and the chance to catch up again with my thoughts after such a whirlwind few days >>
Read MoreWill miss you Dearly Gran >>
Read MoreThoughts on Gratitude
Its just a normal day today here in London. Off to the post office and to do a few errands, hoping to get a good run in too. Later on though, I'll be pushing our T.V. trays together dusting off the place-mats and sitting down to our Thanksgiving dinner. Instead of travelling by car to visit relatives I'll be catching up the next few days via the great technological blessing that is 'Skype'. I'm hoping I'll get the pleasure of seeing my niece and nephew again and maybe even a few aunts and uncles in the background moaning and loosening their belts cause they ate too much. I may even look up Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving special on Youtube to round the day off just right. Being abroad doesn't take the holiday away, it just means you do it a bit different.
Prayers for Gran
One of the worst things about living abroad is not getting to see family as much as I'd like. I missed my other Gran's funeral because I didn't have enough money to cancel a trip to Rome scheduled AND fly to the USA. I chose Rome because it would have been the most financial loss. I felt horrible but the day of the funeral I went to the Vatican and lit a candle for her. I know its no consolation prize for being there, but I think my gran would understand (at least I hope so).
Well now my last gran, my last grandparent living is on her last breath. I'm having a lot of feelings run through my head because I wasn't expecting this to happen as quick as it is especially round the holidays. I thought at least I'd have till the new year. Life doesn't work that way I guess.
Read MoreMeet my niece and nephew
Photos of my niece and nephew on a trip to the USA >>
Read MoreSaying Goodbye
About 11 years ago my older brother Spencer left for a 'mission' for my family's church. He was never able to complete it because had a mental breakdown. When he came back he was a completely different person...not my older brother anymore. My parents tried to get him a life but it never really came together. One day about a year after he had got home he got up and left and we haven't seen him since. We don't know what happened to him....don't know if he's alive, where he is...if he's ok, etc. Its been 10 years this year since he disappeared.
Read MoreWhat I'm Longing For
A job that will make me beam from ear to ear when I get up every day and makes me feel like I have a purpose finally.
-A garden where I can sit outside for a cup of tea.
-Girlfriends to go out and have fun with and who won't leave me if I'm having a rough time.
-A house with a room full of books.
Read MoreTo see the Light
Today was rough. I felt really tired and like I just couldn't cope with the day. It seems like this happens a lot with me. Yesterday I got discouraged cause I saw how bad my account currently is for the first time in like 6 weeks. Thank goodness for overdraft limits but it depresses me how long I've been 'below' zero and thinking how long it will take me to get my accounts healthy. James does what he can to help me financially and my parents have been helping what they can too. I feel so guilty about this but what else are my options?? I'm grateful that they have helped me. James could have easily said leave but thank god he hasn't otherwise what else am I to do?
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